In A Wilderness of Light

Today was pretty good after 4:00 p.m. I was picked up my Kyle, Laura, and Michael. We picked up Richard and "jammed". It ended up really good. Its looking up. We then went on a quest for spray paint and a long sleeved shirt for Kyle which ended up empty handed. Laura and I played a game of hunting while at Walmart. Michael and I planned our battle for humanity against the Walmart zombies. We visited our friend Danielle at work which is funny because she's a sandwich artist at Subway that gives free meals. Laura went home afterwards and we dropped off Michael at Erik's house. I noticed that I didn't have my ipod. I guess Laura has it in her purse. "Fuck". Tomorrow is going to be dreadful at school and during my dentist appointment. So flashback to our hunt for Kyle's stuff, we were in the parking lot of Target and I was telling Laura a story by showing her something. She made a statement. I guess she's half right but I wish she was 100% right.

an ocean at the center of the world

The past two days have been really good and are above par on my usual scale of "life experiences". A lot of my favorite things have been apart of the schedules of activities and I suppose thats what makes a "good time". The school week is pretty shitty to say the least. I sit drowning in every class as I am expose to the stupidity of the world and mankind. Ask myself, "This people are actually going to have fuck each other and have kids and be part of our society helping make decisions with ideas of 'progression' and what not?" Fuck, they are. As I sit around in the quad area at lunch everyday with my oh so clever cynical view of the surroundings, I look around at all the people around me and at all the couples, social groups, and individuals. I always go off in my head wondering, what do they do on the weekends? What are "important" issues to them? What are their feelings on life? Is it more than your "bros", getting head by a drunk naples girl, nasty beer, your macho ego or the fake tan you wear? What do the average high school couple talk about? I kind of wish I had an example of a "serious" conversation between a couple because I'm sure it'll be laughable. You see, Mr. Dick on the football team is going to grow up and go to college because his parents can send him, get a job, get married, get kids, go to church, vote on limited government taxes and an aggressive foreign policy, teach his son how to be a man, go hunting, fuck his wife, get old, not being able to get a boner, getting viagra, being able to get a boner, fucking a secretary, dying. As he grows up he'll go along with Ms. Clit who is apart of some stupid sorority or school activity and will grow up and go to college because of her parents, get a job, get married, get kids, quit her job, love jesus, mindlessly agree with her husband because god forbid any spics or fags or whores enjoy anything, relive her youth and go to the gym as she strives on dressing and looking like she is 25 again, fuck her husband and her gym trainer, teach her kids the morals and teachings of the lord, dying. Where do these people connect? I believe its under the make up and testosterone and not knowing its their shallow meaningless lives. Your dad goes hunting and you look like you're overweight with down-syndrome as you make "funny" comments and send "funny" pictures on internet so you can seek praise from your peers yet the funny thing is you found them on someone else's shit and little clever you uses it to reinforce the massive douche you truly are. Congratulations.

As I was saying earlier, my past two days have been good. I've been with legitimate people. Backyard show friday night in a sketchy city called El Monte which ended up to be really fun. Right when my friends and I were getting in the car, we see police helicopters fly over the neighborhood and three cop cars go down the street. Its pretty much self-explanatory. Last night was really good as my friends and I attended a gathering and other states of mind. I'm coming to conclusions now and I'm not sure if thats good or bad. I think while at times I enjoy my experiences, life in general is still a blur. I know I'm young and one day I'll look back with maybe a chuckle of laughter or a grin of regret but no matter what this is a moment I'll probably see as the least miserable time. Its kind of weird saying that because at times life is miserable yet I still don't have a solid opinion on it. Every time I look at both sides of the issue, I look the other way because I don't relate. There are people who have this angst and feel the need to show it off like a trophy scar as they wear it with the slipknot or fall out boy shirt their parents bought them at hot topic for $25. They're the kids with the studded bracelets creeping around the halls with their hair in their face thinking a pop star feels their pain. If their parents don't buy them hair dye then they might fall into another pit of depression.
"Why are you sad/angry/ect.?" "What makes your life bad?" "What are private schools and the suburbs like?" .No.Answer.
Look at the other side of the spectrum, there are people who "love" life. Life is this amazing journey you share with friends smiling in a game of bumper cars. Love your friends, family, and right hand. Really? How foolish. I suppose ignorance is bliss. I can't ever say I "love" life because there is a bunch of bullshit in this world. I can't say I'm grateful for my life because I didn't ask for it and I don't see it as a favor to me. You can't be grateful, this is the only life you're experiencing so what is there to compare it to? In all honesty, I like my friends. I like them a lot and I'm glad their my friends. I think thats the good thing about friends, it makes the standard of living a lot better. Yet, I look around at the path we "should" all follow. Love. Marriage. Family. And everything else that shits on your parade. I think marriage is a bunch of bullshit. The idea that there is "someone" out there for you and they will complete you as they fill in every whole in your life is absolutely ridiculous. "You are the one for me." You will never know that. Have you taken a survey of everyone in the world to determine that? There isn't this force that brings you two together forever. I think marriage is a negative thing because it sets you up for this mentality and failure is not an option so you're trapped like a slave your whole life dragging around a family and bullshit responsibility like a dead leg. You're husband beats you but you stay because its god's will. How can you be in love with someone forever and stay with them? A person changes in their life and can become many personalities and phases throughout time. Which one do you love? Its the one of yesterday but you hold on to that memory as you staple it to the physical image that lays next to you in bed.
I'm positive that I'll never get married. I'm not saying I won't have a partner but marriage is something I'll never take part off. Kids are pretty bad for me too. I don't want kids. It is a danger to my life. I don't want to go through the bullshit ordeals as my kid progresses from student of the month to failure of the year but I will reconcile with them in a tearful reunion made by a therapist in which we'll say "I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you." Thats not for me. I'm not up for the job to ruin my life and "fun". I'm not up to become a role model. The only part I'll miss out on is the part where you teach your kid and influence them as much as possible so they won't turn into a failure or douche bag. I'm kind of considering becoming a high school teacher to fill that void. I'm not sure what life has to offer me. It doesn't offer anything since I'm living now and not tomorrow. I suppose thats why my position on life is unconfirmed, because I have not seen the whole only the little chapters.

When it comes down to it we're just these craters on the moon waiting for a vessel to sink and I'm starting to realize how lonely the moon really is through my own reflection.

I think I'm going to write a book.

This is my internals, you should follow it too. download it here: http://www.mediafire.com/?zvzmzsyfcvm

I wrote this short story

Wrote this for creative writing. Did it in one day. Last minute thing.

I Will Lay My Divinity In A Tragedy

“I have an encyclopedia of my own, that I use t keep me warm but its hard when all the pages are ripped out. I’ve been on these urban streets a year now since today is January 31st, 1988. People say the world will end in twenty years when our planet is blown up after a U.S. / Soviet Union nuclear world, ask yourself ‘why not now?’ “

As he lay in his cold room, he just imagined how life was 15 years ago when he was a child. It was at the age of seven that some of the older kids in the neighborhood were pushing him and as he hit the ground a young man told them to fuck off. This feeling of gratitude over took him.

“Are you okay?” asked the Good Samaritan.

“Yes, I just scraped my leg…” he explained in a soft voice.

“Let me take a look at that, big guy. What’s your name?” asked the young man in a voice similar to Mr. Rogers.
“William,” he replied.

“Here take one of these,” the nice man reached into his bright yellow bag full of lollipops.

The memory soon faded and the night passed into the morning hours. William’s morning started as he made his way into the grey rugged busy streets of Los Angeles, California.

William had this way if walking and talking that created an attractive persona. William was somewhere in between James Dean and Charles Bronson. He would lean against a liquor store everyday and today was no different.

Around 10:00 it was when a young man pulled up to the liquor store and peeked out of his window.
“How much?” he asked as he made a hand signal for a sexual act.

“Eighty,” replied William in a professional matter as he made his way into the car.

We may never notice the small things hidden in the background of our everyday lives, but its funny the way they seem to notice us. As the deal between William and the young man was going through, there stood a middle-aged man across the street observing William like a mother watching over her nest. His heart pounded with fear every time William would get in the car. It can almost be described as the fear parents feel when they drop their kids off at school hoping they won’t get their heads blasted off by a guy in a trench coat.

“Father Benedict!” called a local market owner at the middle-aged man.

“Why, yes these are the fruits I was looking for. Thank you very much and may the lord bless you,” replied Father Benedict.
Father Benedict was a charming man with shiny blue eyes that accompanied the gold cross he carried around his neck everywhere he went. He was entering his 14th year as a Priest at the local church where he preached every Sunday. Father Benedict was a simple man whose needs were mostly met when he would get on his knees and pray. When he would pray, he would start crying and ask for forgiveness.

It was across the street from William’s usual pick up spot that Father Benedict would watch over William. As shameful as he was about it, Father Benedict could not lie to himself. He was in love with William and fantasized about being with him forever.
As William was finishing up in the young man’s car he looked straight into his eyes and couldn’t stop this feeling he had inside. These people’s lives were his and they have given them up to him.

Father Benedict was making his way past the liquor store later that afternoon when he bumped into William and Father Benedict dropped his bible and a bag.

“I’m so sorry,” said William in a concerned voice as he bent over to retrieve Father Benedict’s bible and bag.
Father Benedict was nervous and stuttered, “Its…okay young man, what’s your name?”

“William,” answered William as he handed over the bible and bag.

At the very instant that William handed Father Benedict the bible and bag, he noticed that the bag was bright yellow and there were lollipops in it.

At the very moment that Father Benedict heard William’s name, did he look in his eyes and remember the young boy from 15 years ago.

“Why, thank you boy… I mean William. Thank you for picking up my stuff. Have a lovely day and may the lord bless you,” said Father Benedict in a nervous tone.

“No… Problem. Same to you,” replied William as he was in awe of the Father.

As Father Benedict walked away towards his church he looked up into the gray sky and as if he were talking to the sun said, “15 years ago I saw the son, Jesus Christ and today I saw God, the father.”

William left wishing he had showed the father his gratitude and regretted not saying anything in fear that he just ruined his only chance. Father Benedict knew he had another opportunity tonight at the cafe where William often socialized during the fourth evening of the week.

William was in fact there that night and Father Benedict was ready to spark a conversation. As soon as William walked in, Father Benedict approached as if it was by chance that they ran into each other again.

William was the first to speak, “Father! How strange that we meet again today. I’m pretty glad to see you.”
“Ah boy. I’m glad to see you too,” said Father Benedict as he moved the plan forward. “Would you like to take this conversation to the house of God?”

William was thrilled and enthusiastically accepted the invitation; he couldn’t wait to show Father Benedict his gratitude. Once seated in Father Benedict’s room in the church, William began to talk about the day 15 years ago when Father Benedict saved him. “It was me father, I was the boy you helped. Thank you so much,” said William as he went to hug Father Benedict.

“I know boy, I know it all William. I love you,” said Father Benedict in an affectionate voice.

William soon tried to break away from the hug, as Father Benedict held tight. “Father, I think its time for me to leave. I have to go.”

“You can’t leave… I love you. This is your home. Didn’t you hear me William, I love you…” cried Father Benedict.

“I can’t stay here, I only came to say thanks.” William tried to break free but couldn’t until he pushed Father Benedict and punched him.

Father Benedict began crying but attempted to keep William by chasing him and calling William’s name.

As William ran out the church into the cold rainy night, Father Benedict fell on his knees in the front of the church and yelled, “William, come back! This is the house of God; this is the house of God! You are God! This is your home! William! This is the house of God…”

Father Benedict made his way to the wine and sat in the chair he sat on every Sunday during mass. He poured the wine all over his mouth as it spilled on him and the floor. He began to mutter in misery as he pulled a dagger to his neck.

William made his way to his home as he calmed down he looked out the window into the gray night sky that hung over the city. Pollution and city lights eclipsed the moon and stars but tonight they were clear even if it was just William’s imagination. He lay on his bed silently as lonely as the city. An encyclopedia lay on the floor of his mind and he knew he had to bind the pages together.

Father Benedict’s flesh hung out of his neck greeting the wine that had spilled. His last words were, “Deity was a fantasy, and God was here but left me sitting in my own reliquary. Heaven’s spew its wine at me and now I prepare to dine.”

Life.Currently.

I woke up on my friends hardwood floor tonight. i've started old habits but they aren't as pleasing as it used to be but its something to do. My schoolwork is good. I'm currently watching the real housewives of orange county and i'm amused by the intelligence level of other individuals. Hit me.

Cities. Homes. Bullshit.

I thought it'd be nice to wake up listening to Explosions In The Sky. I was right. My morning progressed into a shower which then somehow got me to school. How does the system of events occuring and passing work? I don't even know. English class was pretty boring but luckily the annoying girl that sits in front of me wasn't there. We had a rally at school which means nuitrition was 25 minutes instead of the regular 15. My friend had a very nice thing. I had some. The world came together like the communion of a purple sky. I made my way to class, everything seemed like its own still life yet it was passing so quick. A world on a tredmill. Tranquillity in a erosion. Enough with senseless bullshit. My forensics class was very very good but not academically. Yet, the time came and my feeling was gone and down. The rest of the school day seemed like such a drag. During my time at school, my plans for later in the day fell through. I'm apathetic about it for the most part, but it would've been nice. My two hours spent at my house were empty, a usual phase in my lifetime. Kyle and Melinda came over around 5 and we made a journey to newport to retrieve Kyle's iPod. Just spending time with such amazing people is worth life's bullshit. I came home and started thinking about stuff. I really want to go to Mexico and spend a week there. I just want to connect with my roots to my seed. Plant new ideas in my head. Maybe one day they can be trees. I want to ride a bike around and see the work of the Aztec's in Mexico City, then go down south to see the work of the Mayans. It all seems so beautiful and amazing. Maybe thats my home.

Career Options: 1) Tobacco Co. Executive 2) Abortion Clinic Doctor

Waking up today was no different than other school days. This can be both a good thing and bad thing. On the plus side, nothing bad happens. On the bad side, days just become unnoticable and you fall in a pattern. Today was yet another mininium day at school which affected my off period and made me leave the house earlier. Once at school my thinking was in a different state which made my day pass by. Like words coming out a mouth, gone soon was my day at school. I made my route home to change clothes and hang out with some friends. Laughs and smiles were present and we drove to hunigton and back to the home area. There isn't much to say about today. Well, my mom is at open house and I'm a little nervous about that because I don't want to get in trouble and don't know if I will and for what. Apparently she's upset because my brother and I didn't go with her but we aren't even suppose to. I hope my plans for tomorrow go through.

Rockerfeller Vacation To New Guinea

Damn, I havn't been keeping up the past two or three days. I began sunday morning by posting on this site. My mom then picked me up and I went home. At home I basically just sat around all day and did a project for my history class. Each student in the class was assigned an amendment and had to create a model of something the amendment protects or violates. I was assigned to do the 5th amendment - Due Process of Law. My model is about police brutality which abuses our 5th amendment. Police brutality is an on going problem in our society. It makes me sick because some piece of shit takes the laws into their own hand and puts themselves above another person. Just because you have a badge and high school education doesn't mean you get to beat on who ever. Most of these cases are linked to the racism, another problem that still exist. This was my model
http://i194.photobucket.com/albums/z135/gruffd00d/copshateme.jpg



At 8 I moved to my living room to watch the Rock of Love Season Finale. The show was so over the top ridiculous. I know it was a really bad show, I watched it for the pure insanity. Jess won and the stripper lose. How does she feel now since she got "Brett" tattooed on her neck. Class A dumbass. Hahaha. Anyways, Sundays are usually my lazy days. I usually don't do much if at all anything and nothing ever sticks out. WEll this Sunday something stuck out. I started conversing with a cute girl. Thats always nice and I find her to be really interesting and genuine. It'd be nice if she noticed soon that I'm not a douche like most guys. I think a majority of the population, male or female, are shitheads.

Monday soon transitioned into my life. I woke up and to my pleasure did not have a morning class. I decided to take advantage of the situation and smoked a few bowls before going to school. When I arrived at school I was still pretty high and found out I had to take an Algebra II test. I took it, still high, but it was pretty easy which is a good thing. I think I got an A on the test. I'm really trying to do well in school this year, I don't want to have to go through shit because of some stupid ass grades. I'd rather just do my work and avoid that whole mess. My day went on, I made my normal rotation from class to class. There are times wheremy days begin to blend together and I can't tell the difference between them. Welcome to life. I presented my police brutality model that day in history class and got positive feedback and it made the class think, something most people really don't do. I came home and continued my normal weekday afternoon cycle. Once again, nothing really stuck out except for a really good conversation. I hope more of those come my way because they really do make me happy. It'd be sad to be so bitter all the time, I really want to find joy.

I woke up this morning at my usual time. I don't understand time sometimes. In the first place it doesn't exist. Anything can be anytime. I'd like to go by my own time sometime. Then again if I did that I'd be of no use to our society and something would have to be done about me. "It's the way things are". Today was a mininium day at school and the day flowed by pretty well. My classes seem so pointless I don't really remember exactly what I did. But, I do remember that in Psychology we had to discuss animal testing. I said my opinions that oppess the action. Sometimes it feels as if I should just give up on the rest of humanity. Ignorance seems to be a very common trait in many. My classmates used the argument that humans are of "higher value" than animals which I find complete bullshit. Theres no fucking universal rule that says such a thing. If you want to play that game then look at our problems. Who caused global warming? Humans. Who causes every war? Humans. Who created nuclear weapons? Humans. Who kill in the name of false idols? Humans. Who show signs of greed and corruption through the capitalist system? Humans. Higher value, huh? I don't believe humans are evil are bad or born with sin. I think humans are born nuetral and later their enviroment influences their virtues. Such systems like capitalism and organized religion create bad virtues that will have humanity bring itself down. My day went on and up until one point I had something to look forward to but plans fell through. I'm not upset at the person nor blame them, I just look forward to the current plans set. I spent most of my afternoon pretending to do homework. I'm pretty sure I don't have any and thats pretty much a relief. My life seems to be looking up at the moment. I'm really beginning to feel a great amount of nostalgia. I miss being in a band even if mine was shitty. I just want to play shows and have shit together. I'm going to start a grind band up with two(?) friends of mine. In your face. In my way. Fuck you. That type of shit. My brother smoked me out once again today. I've noticed that a lot of my post have something to do with weed. I'm going to stop mentioning it. The fact of whether or not I do it or don't will be oblivious for the most part unless it was a big part of the story of my day. I've been watching a lot of atheist videos lately. I enjoy getting in debates about religion. I find religion to be nothing but a tool to control and something people believe in to feel comfortable and safe. I personally don't care about an individual's belief but people of "faith" always flaunt their beliefs and display their crosses, stars of david and what not that I feel if they act that way they can't tell me anything about how I'm up front about my beliefs. Sometimes I get the "well thats your opinion" thing. Well if you truly believe in something than you wouldn't call it an "opinion" but rather a reality. Its pretty much a sign of weakness if you regard something that you supposedly believe in so much as only an "opinion". I think what I beleive is the truth and reality so I am going to present it that way. Nevertheless, I don't hold anyone's value above someone elses' for whatever reason may it be beliefs, values, ect. I can't wait until a specific plan happens. Apparently my dog is a gremlin.