an ocean at the center of the world

The past two days have been really good and are above par on my usual scale of "life experiences". A lot of my favorite things have been apart of the schedules of activities and I suppose thats what makes a "good time". The school week is pretty shitty to say the least. I sit drowning in every class as I am expose to the stupidity of the world and mankind. Ask myself, "This people are actually going to have fuck each other and have kids and be part of our society helping make decisions with ideas of 'progression' and what not?" Fuck, they are. As I sit around in the quad area at lunch everyday with my oh so clever cynical view of the surroundings, I look around at all the people around me and at all the couples, social groups, and individuals. I always go off in my head wondering, what do they do on the weekends? What are "important" issues to them? What are their feelings on life? Is it more than your "bros", getting head by a drunk naples girl, nasty beer, your macho ego or the fake tan you wear? What do the average high school couple talk about? I kind of wish I had an example of a "serious" conversation between a couple because I'm sure it'll be laughable. You see, Mr. Dick on the football team is going to grow up and go to college because his parents can send him, get a job, get married, get kids, go to church, vote on limited government taxes and an aggressive foreign policy, teach his son how to be a man, go hunting, fuck his wife, get old, not being able to get a boner, getting viagra, being able to get a boner, fucking a secretary, dying. As he grows up he'll go along with Ms. Clit who is apart of some stupid sorority or school activity and will grow up and go to college because of her parents, get a job, get married, get kids, quit her job, love jesus, mindlessly agree with her husband because god forbid any spics or fags or whores enjoy anything, relive her youth and go to the gym as she strives on dressing and looking like she is 25 again, fuck her husband and her gym trainer, teach her kids the morals and teachings of the lord, dying. Where do these people connect? I believe its under the make up and testosterone and not knowing its their shallow meaningless lives. Your dad goes hunting and you look like you're overweight with down-syndrome as you make "funny" comments and send "funny" pictures on internet so you can seek praise from your peers yet the funny thing is you found them on someone else's shit and little clever you uses it to reinforce the massive douche you truly are. Congratulations.

As I was saying earlier, my past two days have been good. I've been with legitimate people. Backyard show friday night in a sketchy city called El Monte which ended up to be really fun. Right when my friends and I were getting in the car, we see police helicopters fly over the neighborhood and three cop cars go down the street. Its pretty much self-explanatory. Last night was really good as my friends and I attended a gathering and other states of mind. I'm coming to conclusions now and I'm not sure if thats good or bad. I think while at times I enjoy my experiences, life in general is still a blur. I know I'm young and one day I'll look back with maybe a chuckle of laughter or a grin of regret but no matter what this is a moment I'll probably see as the least miserable time. Its kind of weird saying that because at times life is miserable yet I still don't have a solid opinion on it. Every time I look at both sides of the issue, I look the other way because I don't relate. There are people who have this angst and feel the need to show it off like a trophy scar as they wear it with the slipknot or fall out boy shirt their parents bought them at hot topic for $25. They're the kids with the studded bracelets creeping around the halls with their hair in their face thinking a pop star feels their pain. If their parents don't buy them hair dye then they might fall into another pit of depression.
"Why are you sad/angry/ect.?" "What makes your life bad?" "What are private schools and the suburbs like?" .No.Answer.
Look at the other side of the spectrum, there are people who "love" life. Life is this amazing journey you share with friends smiling in a game of bumper cars. Love your friends, family, and right hand. Really? How foolish. I suppose ignorance is bliss. I can't ever say I "love" life because there is a bunch of bullshit in this world. I can't say I'm grateful for my life because I didn't ask for it and I don't see it as a favor to me. You can't be grateful, this is the only life you're experiencing so what is there to compare it to? In all honesty, I like my friends. I like them a lot and I'm glad their my friends. I think thats the good thing about friends, it makes the standard of living a lot better. Yet, I look around at the path we "should" all follow. Love. Marriage. Family. And everything else that shits on your parade. I think marriage is a bunch of bullshit. The idea that there is "someone" out there for you and they will complete you as they fill in every whole in your life is absolutely ridiculous. "You are the one for me." You will never know that. Have you taken a survey of everyone in the world to determine that? There isn't this force that brings you two together forever. I think marriage is a negative thing because it sets you up for this mentality and failure is not an option so you're trapped like a slave your whole life dragging around a family and bullshit responsibility like a dead leg. You're husband beats you but you stay because its god's will. How can you be in love with someone forever and stay with them? A person changes in their life and can become many personalities and phases throughout time. Which one do you love? Its the one of yesterday but you hold on to that memory as you staple it to the physical image that lays next to you in bed.
I'm positive that I'll never get married. I'm not saying I won't have a partner but marriage is something I'll never take part off. Kids are pretty bad for me too. I don't want kids. It is a danger to my life. I don't want to go through the bullshit ordeals as my kid progresses from student of the month to failure of the year but I will reconcile with them in a tearful reunion made by a therapist in which we'll say "I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you." Thats not for me. I'm not up for the job to ruin my life and "fun". I'm not up to become a role model. The only part I'll miss out on is the part where you teach your kid and influence them as much as possible so they won't turn into a failure or douche bag. I'm kind of considering becoming a high school teacher to fill that void. I'm not sure what life has to offer me. It doesn't offer anything since I'm living now and not tomorrow. I suppose thats why my position on life is unconfirmed, because I have not seen the whole only the little chapters.

When it comes down to it we're just these craters on the moon waiting for a vessel to sink and I'm starting to realize how lonely the moon really is through my own reflection.

I think I'm going to write a book.

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