Always Mondays Always

I woke up today in the usual dreadful mood I wake up with on mondays. I try to make the best of it, but as soon as I arrive at school I get in a negative mood just being around the type of people that are there. Its kind of sad how fake and processed can people be. At the same time it only makes me better than the majority of them. My school day was pretty usual, nothing really stood out except for a minor homework assignment in my psychology class. We're going to begin learning about Developmental Psychology and our homework is to recall beliefs and silly ideas we once shared as small children. I really want to come back to class and just say "When I was a little kid I use to believe what my parents told me about god, heaven, and faith but looking back thats just a big load of bullshit and a really retarded belief." I would probably get in trouble for that. I have to take the city bus home everyday and today the bus driver, who is a douche, sped off as a majortiy of the bus riders were approaching the bus. He's fat and he probably is a control freak on anything he has power over since he has lost control of himself and has lost his happiness. I make sure that that doesn't ever happen to me. Anyways I had to wait for another bus to come and after about 10 minutes one bus did. I thought I read "91" on the bus but as the bus went on it reached the end of its line and I found out in agony that it was the "94" which drops me off short of my usual bus stop. I had to walk for about 20 minutes which in retrospect was pretty nice because it gave me some time for myself and to think about things. I was once told that I think to much which I believe is pretty ignorant for someone to say. I'd rather not be a systematic drone, but then again that is what this unnamed person has become or maybe they were always this way and I just didn't see it. Anyways, I finally arrived home and noticed my mom took my keyboard and mouse so I wouldn't go online. It didn't bother me, I got to see the finale of the Pick Up Artist. That show was pretty over the top ridiculous to the point where I just watched it for the novelty factor. My mom finally came home and I waited an hour to use the computer. I began to write my memoir that I had mentioned in my last post. When I write stuff I like to write it off the top of my head so it can be as genuine and sincere as possible. This is the way I write this blog. I decided to use "punk" as the thing to write about in my memoir and how punk represents me. I'm really happy with the final product of the essay and I have to say I enjoyed writing it. Its nice to just sit down with some juice and a nice line-up of albums to listen to for influence. I suppose I'll post my memoir in this blog, but I'll do it at the end of this post. I spent a lot of time today thinking about my future. I really don't want to grow up. It kills me. The thought kills me inside and I hate it. I wish I could be 16/18 forever. I wish so much. I'll probably kill myself when I'm 30. I'm young and like to dream while I'm awake.

Heres my memoir. The assignment was to write a memoir that beings withe the line "I am a _____ because _____" The first part is what we are and why. The second how we became what we are. The third how it affects us. Please read it and tell me what you think.

"I am a 'punk' because of the attitude, beliefs, and ways I express myself and my thoughts. To me punk rock isn’t just a sound or a beat or fashion. Punk rock is so much more than that. To me punk rock is about expressing yourself, not being afraid of your beliefs, and liberation. I find it ridiculous that by many punk rock is defined as simple three chord music that is played by angst ridden teenagers with mowhawks dressed in dogpiles and leather coats in order to 'rebel' from their parents. Green Day isn’t punk rock by any means. They’re a walking contradiction, they are apparently 'political' and 'environmental' yet their politics are so narrow and basic and there concerts and travel do a lot of harm for the environment. Punk rock music can be abstract and shouldn’t limit itself to simple structures and lyrics. If an artist were really punk rock then they would experiment with different forms and not be afraid to engage in a different area of music. I think punk rock isn’t very relevant as a music label anymore, but rather its relevant as an idea that an artist or person can back their actions as. Not caring what others think, whether you’re wearing a leather jacket or a cashmere sweater; informing yourself about vital issues surrounding our past, present and future; expressing your human emotions through a different way of communication such as music, art, or writing; standing up for your morals and staying strong; liberation of any kind whether it be for social justice, equality, or on a personal level; these are all examples of what punk rock means. What I find so fucking hypocritical with the standard 'punk rocker' is that in their quest of portraying the fact that they don’t care what others think they go to the extreme that their look becomes who they are. They sport the mohawks, studs, pins and what not because they get to the point where they want to get a reaction from 'normal' people and by doing this they show that they do care what others think. This happens when punk rock is in the wrong hands. And as much as I hate to label myself I believe that my actions and aesthetic go along with punk rock. I dress in the way I personally like without regarding to trends or going to the extreme just to get a shock reaction. I keep myself well informed by reading articles on various issues such as war, corruption, economic equality, and for a voice of the oppressed. I release my emotions through music and writing, both listening and creating. I stand strong by my beliefs and won’t ever sell out on them. As I see the majority of our society drown themselves in the falsehood of television, pop-culture, materialism, and greed, I wish not to take part of it and try and connect with myself by self-reflection and expression through music and friends. Punk rock was what sparked my interest in music, since then I’ve seen my taste develop and expand but every artist I listen to shares the common belief in themselves, their music, and the pure sincere connection made with both. They aren’t big rock starts living in mansions, they are people just like me who care about higher issues and that feeling just makes everything bigger than life for me. It makes it seem as if I can also be doing the same and that is a beautiful feeling.

My childhood was great and those years were the best. I roamed around with out care or worries. Each day was a taste of bliss. I spend a lot of time dreading the future and just wishing if I closed my eye I would open them and be in my childhood again. I suppose nostalgia is the theme of my life. Maybe the reason why I enjoyed these years so much is because everything and everyone seemed so real and no one was worried about their image and perception. Children are beautiful, their eyes don’t judge and their hearts don’t lie. If only they could teach us all how to live in enchantment. Nevertheless, my years on earth have gone and I soon found myself in my pre-teenage years. At this point in life the only music I’ve heard were the standard “rock” bands, the likes of Nirvana, Led Zeppelin, Motley Crüe, and Guns N’ Roses. Yet, I never really made a connection with any of these artists for the most part. Luckily I had parents who had a passion for music when they were in their younger days. Through them I heard two bands who up until that point in my life were they only ones I found a real connection with. The music of The Beatles seems so relevant to any human’s daily life that it is almost impossible for me not to find an emotional connection with the songs. The Ramones also took me off my feet by the way the music was presented. They didn’t need any stadium rock solos or a false image. They were who they were and I found that great. As I dwelled into the music of these two bands I wanted to listen to more. I made my first attempt in my musical expedition during my 4th grade year when I heard Limp Bizkit along with other Nü-Metal acts. Looking back at this moment in my life, these bands were really “acts” not “artist” fore they relied heavily on the novelty of swear words and their 'shock' as a commercial tool. As my 5th grade year approached, this catchy fun band called Blink-182 came to the attention of my ears. The music was full of the spirit that can be described as 'youth'. I began to look at earlier 'punk' acts and stumbled across the likes of the Dead Kennedys. Their music introduced me to some interesting points made about of society and country. Soon enough 6th grade strolled by and something happened that changed my life forever, my mom bought a computer and along with it came AOL. I had also been given my first guitar the Christmas before which also would shape me. The computer was in my room and its accessibility to the internet allowed me to cruise websites reading information on bands that I wouldn’t have picked up in the mainstream. Along with bands I began to read a lot of articles that concentrated on important issues such as globalization, socialism, minority rights, and other stuff that isn’t covered by the news on a regular basis. I spent a lot of my days on the AOL Punk chat room which exposed me to many ideals of punk. Through the internet I discovered an important band that would be the gateway to the division of punk that I follow most. Black Flag introduced me to what is known as Hardcore. I also got into other key bands such as At The Drive-In, Sunny Day Real Estate, Minor Threat, The Locust, and Converge; each one of those bands would open a new vision on the way I see music and would expand that vision. The biggest year in my musical journey for me was probably 8th grade when I stumbled across a music forum as I was looking for guitar tabs. I began posting in the 'Hardcore/Emo' section of the forum. This was the most important front that I opened because it introduced me to 'true' emo. In the mainstream there are a lot of bands that are mislabeled 'emo' when in reality they’re either pop-punk or pop-rock. Emo really means Emotional Hardcore is a very emotional and personally charged form of punk music. I began listening these incredible bands such as Pg.99, Orchid, Neil Perry, Rites of Spring, Cap’n Jazz, Indian Summer, Swing Kids, Antioch Arrow, I Hate Myself, Circle Takes The Square, and others that to this day mean so much to me. I just found myself fall in love with the music and made a huge connection with it on a human level. I can understand this music and why it is done. The forum also introduced me to other genres I love like Post-Rock, obscure Indie, Grindcore, Crust, Power Violence, and Post-Metal to name a few. While my musical discoveries were happening in middle school I noticed something that would make me closer to the aspect I found in the music. I began to see the lack of truth in my fellow schoolmates. It was the time when it seemed everyone was trying to put on a cloak over their personalities in order to become something they aren’t and it made me sick. I began to become alienated from them. As the boys indulged themselves in the gross ideals of being macho and as the girls became materialistic and fake, I began to spend my spare time isolated in my house, downloading music non-stop, reading non-stop, making up stuff on my guitar non-stop. Soon enough I met some of the neighborhood kids who introduced me to someone I would collaborate with for a while. We both seemed to be looking at music in unique ways and it seemed very nice to have someone who felt the way I did even if he didn’t listen to a lot of the bands that I did. Time past, middle school was gone and I was entering my freshman year of high school. My friend and I soon formed a band that would become my first real way of creating an outlet for the music I had created myself. At the same time I had befriended some kids at school who seemed to share the same interest in Hardcore that I had. One of them, Chris, would have the closest resemblance of my musical taste than almost everyone else would ever. When you find people who share the same feeling and connection with you it’s an incredible feeling. Freshmen year strolled by and by the middle of my sophomore year the band that I started was over. In retrospect, the music wasn’t good yet the attitude was exactly how it should be. We didn’t care about anyone’s opinion of our music or whether we were fitting in with the musical trends going on. The opportunity to play a live show also was of great benefit. My song-writing skills also grew very much after the experience with the band. The band’s music was very one-dimensional, everything was flat and there were no surprises, depth, atmosphere, climaxes or anything going on. It was definitely a learning experience that showed me how to write music and what not to do. Most of the band members have gone their separate ways, but I have kept very close with one of them. Kyle was the band’s second bassist and later moved on to vocals, he is now my best friend. I really respect the way he looks at music and the love he has for it really shows. He is one of the other exclusive people who share the same feeling and connection with music that I have. This brings me to the present and in retrospect, punk rock didn’t determine who I am but rather who I am determined the punk rock aspect of me.

Punk rock continues to impact my life. My ideals and beliefs are aligned with the morals of punk rock. I am a deep believer in socialism, anti-globalization, minority rights and downfall of the capitalist system. My music taste still center around punk rock just not sonically but also with the actions and ideals the bands hold. Even my personal music follows the ever so divine virtue of do-it-yourself that punk rock has risen. I can say that I don’t care about the way I am perceived. I don’t have to put up a canvas of an image to appeal to people. That just doesn’t appeal to me at all. I am who I am and whether people accept it or denounce it, it makes no difference to me. I still feel the sense of alienation and isolation mixed with bits of nostalgia, melancholy, and frustration with the state of our country. Punk rock will always be apart of me, it will mean more to me than any line of clothes, celebrity, or president. Punk rock will always be a part of my life and I won’t ever connect with something at the same level. I love punk rock so much; the bands know that it isn’t about the corporate aspect of music. It’s the type of music in which album sales don’t matter because that’s not what it’s about. Go to a show with friends where you’re at a place with people that hold the same virtues as you and as you shout along to all the lyrics and let your self loose you are overcome with this infinite feeling. That is being on top of the world as you’re surrounded in a grim modern world. If a 'punk rocker' can’t describe this to you and if they don’t feel this way then they don’t know what punk is and what it means. It’s a shame that 'punk' is often used as a commercial tool, those who fall for the gag and those who manufacture it are nothing. The people who really understand what punk rock is and who connect with it in an incredible level will inherit the earth. This is what I am and what punk rock is. The Kodan Armada explained the reality, 'Punk rock is fucking self-expression. Punk rock is creating something outside of the mainstream society to keep us sane. If you don’t fucking believe in that, then I’m sorry, but this is what this is to me, and this is all I have. So, thank you for being apart of this.' "